Dane Cook killed the Potters
by bluchimera626
Summary: I don't think this is very creative but i just felt like the sketch fit Wormtail so well.This ficlet basically shows why Wormtail felt like turning over the Potters to Voldemort.I don't even know if Dane Cook was alive at the time so gimme a break


-1**Dane Cook killed the Potters**

Peter Pettigrew was pondering his current position. Through reason unknown to him, Sirius Black had transferred the power of the Secret Keeper of the Potters to him. Him of all people. Out of the group of friends known as the Marauders, Wormtail was probably the least reliable. Everyone knew it. It wasn't because they doubted his loyalty to the Order of the Phoenix, but because his skill with magic was almost regarded as near-Squib. The rat-morpher thought some more. No one knew he was a double-agent. He suspected Albus Dumbledore knew, but then again, Pettigrew was quite paranoid. He was broken out of his reverie by the loud call of James Potter. "Wormtail! We're going to see that popular American Muggle comedian. Want to come along?" Wormtail shuffled quickly towards the source of the sound. At the door to the Order of the Phoenix's hideout was his three friends since Hogwarts, his most trusted friends, all ready to go wearing Muggle clothes with James holding onto his silvery Invisibility Cloak. "Hurry up and change slowpoke," Sirius said with his barking laugh. Wormtail muttered a quick spell and had his robes replaced with Muggle attire. After a brief fit of laughter from all present, Remus Lupin helped him get out of the archaic skirt and high heels. Still chuckling, Sirius quipped, "Sorry mate. I couldn't resist."

They walked out to the bar where the comedian was performing. He had already started and was continuing on after the four Marauders found a place to sit. "Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life, think about the group of friends you've hung out with the most, maybe you're all here tonight, and this is what I've realized; I had an epiphany. There is one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down." Wormtail nearly gagged on his drink. Somehow or another, his friends knew about his betrayal and brought him here to shame him. "Now wait a minute Peter," he thought, trying to calm himself, "There's no way that they knew what this guy was going to say, let alone at this specific point in time." He was taken aback when he heard James whisper to Sirius, "I've heard this bit already. I'll retell it by replacing the name he chose with your precious cousin, someone we all know is totally like that." The comedian continued with James whispering quite loudly and in sync with the American. "Example, Beatrix is always a douche bag. Every group has a Beatrix, she's always a bag of douche. When she's not around, you just look at each other and go 'God! Beatrix, she's such a douche bag.' Until she walks up and then you're like, 'Hey what's up Bea? Beeeeee... What's up Bea?'"

Peter shook his head and gave a small chuckle. Leave it to Potter to make a man forget he was a double agent. The comedian turned his head towards their little table and continued: "There's always that one person. and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like 'Mmm, I disagree.' Well you're the person," he was staring right at Peter at that moment, "You're the person nobody likes!" The peals of laughter were all around him, but Pettigrew nearly fell out of his chair.

As the comedian went on, Pettigrew's hyperactive imagination, the very creativity that made the pranks of the Marauders so famous, was now working overtime against him. He kept on hearing his name being replaced with the example the comedian provided: "Your whole life that person's been there too. That's how Peter is in our group. Nobody likes Peter. And yet everywhere we go Peter would show up. Even if we didn't tell him where we were going. We would go someplace and he would do that I-just-found-you run. "Hahahaha hey guys. what's up guys?" And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group and be like, 'Fuckin Peter's coming.' 'What?' 'Fucking Peter is coming.' That's his name Fucking Peter's Coming. I heard a rumor when he was born even the doctors said sniff 'Fucking Wormtail's coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here.'"

Peter excused himself from the table, shaking and barely able to contain himself. Outside, he slumped against the wall and heard the laughter echoing from within the pub. He wondered if his friends were talking about him behind his back at that very moment. He couldn't bear to think of his friends, his comrades in arms, his BEST friends, talking about him like he was some loser. Wormtail made up his mind at that moment. He would tell his Dark Lord where the Potters were. The grudge that Severus Snape held towards James Potter was nothing in comparison to the rage Peter Pettigrew felt at that very moment. Wormtail turned around the corner and was gone in a loud CRACK, just as Remus Lupin came out the door looking for him. He looked around and couldn't find him anywhere. He shrugged and turned to go back inside. As was an odd habit for werewolves, Lupin looked at the moon. It wasn't full, but somehow or another, he felt like it was shining in a bad light. "Something wicked this way comes," he muttered as he closed the door behind him.

Dane Cook text copyrighted to Dane Cook I s'pose  
Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, James Potter and Beatrix Lestrange belong to JK Rowling.

Story is Vernon Ip's as of 2007


End file.
